The holidays are here, and while that can mean warm family gatherings for some of us, they can also be wrought with distress for those of us with challenging family dynamics.
Multiple generations and perspectives gathering together means a cornucopia of political and social differences.
Many of us have different political and religious beliefs from other family members, or vastly different stances on public health measures during the pandemic. For LGBTQIA+, neurodivergent, or polyamorous individuals, family members may not be understanding or supportive of our identities, relationships, and values.
If you have children of your own, you may find it difficult to navigate a dynamic where you are both parent and child to your own parents.
Challenging dynamics can leave us feeling unheard, anxious, dismissed, agitated, disappointed, and isolated. We can also fall into old dynamics and patterns, using old coping tactics to get through it.
If your family gatherings produce more stress than warm memories, know this: It’s okay if you don’t go to events in order to protect yourself. And, it’s also okay if you need to go in order to keep the peace.
If you do chose to attend a difficult family function, these practices can be helpful for coping with challenging dynamics and protecting your mental health:
Give yourself a time out
Take some time to recenter yourself while you’re there. Take a break outside and go for a walk. Decompress for a bit and allow yourself a chance to re-enter with a fresh outlook.
Use grounding techniques to manage anxiety
Grounding techniques are strategies we can use to manage anxiety and bring us back into our bodies. Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can physically touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Take deep, cleansing breaths. Notice any temperature changes in the room. Bring a fidget tool to release energy. Figure out what works best for you and remember to use it.
State your boundaries
This can be a really hard one for many of us, as saying what you needed and what you would and would not do as a child may not have been honored.
For example, it may be helpful to say something like “I prefer to not discuss politics/ religion/ etc. at the table” or “Thank you for the invitation and the meal. I will need to leave by 8pm.” Stating your needs, boundaries, and time available for a family event is perfectly acceptable, and you aren’t required to offer an explanation.
Connect with your people
Many of us have friends to commiserate with outside of our immediate families. If things get tense, take a break and text a pal. Or, you may consider finding a family ally. Maybe your cool aunt gets it, but your grandma doesn’t. Stay close to people who know you, connect with people who support you.
What you will talk about
Make a list of things you would actually like to talk about: for example - celebrities, sports, movies, and music. Choose topics you feel safe and playful in discussing, so if things get tense, you could make a suggestion of another topic.
Do something nice for yourself afterwards
Need a pick-me-up afterwards? Do something kind for yourself after you leave, and intentionally make space to give yourself the things you need.
Talk about it
Schedule an appointment with your therapist for after the holidays so you can talk about your challenging experiences together.
Have another technique or idea to share? Let us know.