Communicating with and loving those close to us who have personality disorders can be trying and difficult. It can often feel like whatever you say is being processed by your loved one to create ammunition that will be used against you, and it can often feel like they are set on being defensive. It can make expressing kindness, feeling that they are hearing you and that you are hearing them, and getting your point across all seem hopeless. However, it does not have to be. Below are some tips on how to interact with loved ones who aren’t always easy to get along with.
Quite often, a sense of drama is the first hurdle to get over when interacting with loved ones who have personality disorders, making communication difficult. “Drama” is the result of ambiguity and agreement violations, while on the other hand, problem solving comes from clarity and keeping agreements (Lester 2018). When communicating with loved ones, try being clear and concise. When possible, be black and white with your statements. For example, instead of asking if your loved one has time to pick up the kids from school, ask them to pick up the kids from school at a specific day and time. Try to frame your conversations around specific commitments (like using precise times and places).
Fulfilling those commitments on your end will help build trust over time. By framing your conversations around specific commitments, you will be ‘proving’ your reliability to your loved one, which is very important to them and the way they process information, and it will enable you to begin holding your loved one accountable to what the two of you have agreed upon. Over time, your loved one may begin matching your fulfillment of specific commitments by following through when it is their turn. It will be their way of reciprocating respect and gratitude for your consistency.
Another helpful model for communication is called SET communication (Johnston, 2020). SET stands for Support, Empathy, and Truth. Support statements are ‘I’ statements that show support for your loved one. They are statements that show you care about the person. An example might be: “I care about you and want a good outcome for you.” Empathy statements are ‘you’ statements of validation. They are the statements that assure your loved one that they are being heard. It must be noted that Empathy statements are not statements of pity, and are never accusatory. An Empathy statement might sound like: “I can see why you would be angry about that, it is very frustrating.” Truth statements are where you get to deliver your message. Truth statements are objective, honest, and free of emotion. A Truth statement could be structured like: “This situation needs our collaboration, I am willing to do X, and it would be helpful if you will agree to do Y.”
Though communication can be difficult with loved ones who have personality disorders, it is not hopeless. By following some easy steps and learning to always communicate through the SET process, your effectiveness in communication will increase immensely and will increase your chances of feeling heard. Individuals with personality disorders thrive with specific, boundaried communication wherein they feel heard, understood, and believe that you will carry out your end of the deal. And that is the key to ensuring you are heard as well.
About the Author:
Adam Marquez is an LPCC who specializes in personality disorders and counseling veterans and first responders. Adam’s background is in philosophy and he enjoys figuring out innovative ways of conceptualizing psychological needs.