When I was once asked to describe my anger as a pet, I responded, “It’s a slobbery St. Bernard that hasn’t gone to obedience school, awaiting hypervigilantly for any scrap of food to fall from the table of a restaurant. Easy.” But when then asked to describe the “owner’s” relationship with that “dog,” I lacked vocabulary. Touché. At times in my life, I have abandoned my anger while it chases down rabbits. At other times, I have locked my anger in a kennel out of shame for others seeing my lack of control. I have even at times laid down on the ground defeated while my anger stood victoriously on my chest.
What about you? What’s your relationship like with your anger? It’s very rare that I have heard, “It’s a bear that I have trained to stay at my side. If I say, ‘sick ‘em,’ it fights appropriately and proactively. It fights for me, and I love it unconditionally.” Eye roll.
There are four productive things that come from personifying anger as a pet like this:
DISTANCE. Your anger is not who you are; it’s something you steward or wield. The moment that you can make this shift in your head is the moment you invite shame out of your life and gain more control. Shame tends to keep the best of us in an unproductive, defeating cycle. Hello hopelessness.
OWNERSHIP. While your anger is not who you are, it is your responsibility. (A little bit louder for the people in the back.) Like a well-adjusted parent, we have the responsibility to nurture anger when it flares up and discipline it when it’s out of line. We have to be more mature than our anger.
EMPATHY. How many times has anger gotten the attention in your life when sadness needed attention? What about fear or hurt? The owner of undisciplined anger tends to get neglected, because anger is louder. Fight for the person behind the curtain. They need to be taken care of too.
HOPE. Anger is protective. It can be used to fight appropriately for injustice. It can be proactive, not just reactive. It’s a plume of smoke indicating something not being right. An obedient anger can alert you to fight for the parts of yourself and others that are begging for attention.
I invite you to differentiate yourself from anger, to take ownership for the damage or repair that anger has caused, to find the exiled part of yourself that has been protected by anger, and to trust that anger can be used for good. You and I are worth not being dragged through the mud by a thirsty, ravaging anger.
About the Author:
Ryan Hambley (he/him), MA, LPCC, NCC has his Master of Arts in Counseling from Denver Seminary. Whether individuals, groups, or couples, Ryan aims to help you integrate all parts of self (physical, emotional, social, cultural, & spiritual) with solution-focused goals, strength-based methods, and an overflow of compassion. He, his wife, and baby girl love escape rooms, reality television, urban hikes, and gathering for group activities.