Substance use and overdoses have skyrocketed in both El Paso County and Teller County, Colorado. Those struggling can enroll in Khesed’s pro bono program to receive 16 free sessions.
While mental health concerns are universal, those of us with marginalized identities (such as BIPOC, LGBTQ, disabled, veteran, Spanish-speaking, or other demographic characteristics) bear the weight of additional mental health barriers.
Whether you're sober curious, looking for a place to celebrate New Year's Eve sans booze, or preparing for Dry January, here are 65 spots in and around Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Detroit, and San Francisco to enjoy an alcohol-free drink this season.
Khesed’s Illinois State Manager Dawnn shares a personal story about where her passion for mental health stemmed, why accessible therapy in Chicago matters - especially on the South Side, and how Khesed aligns with her values.
The senior population has been disproportionately impacted by COVID-19 due to the unique vulnerabilities they face with the virus, leading to isolation and a lack of connection and purpose. We must create ample space to honor the pain, loneliness, and grief caused by this past year for the seniors in our community.
When COVID-19 came in and changed so much in our lives, it left many of us stressed about dealing with more than we could have imagined, and now, many of us are feeling the effects of emotional exhaustion. While the pandemic has not become the zombie apocalypses depicted in the movies, it has turned us into zombies. What can you start doing or doing again to help bring you back to life?
Maintaining and reclaiming intimacy is never easy even when the rest of life is going smoothly. Our current struggle to understand and manage the uncertainty of the Coronavirus Pandemic makes it even harder to put our partners anywhere but at the bottom of our long list of priorities. Maybe it’s time to reclaim your relationships. One way to do that is to carve out a few sacred moments each day. Consider going on daily 10-minute dates and recall your partner of yesterday while getting to know your partner of today.
How does it work? Each person dedicates ten minutes completely and exclusively to their partner. This means you will have two 10-minute dates each day, one for each partner. Busy households consisting of multiple people find this easiest at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. Are you feeling a little overwhelmed about one more thing to learn, relearn, and implement? No worries! A quick yet deeply meaningful way to both know your partner and be known by your partner is by asking each other the 36 Questions developed by Arthur Aron and his research partners designed to foster vulnerability and intimacy. According to Aron and his associates a key element in developing and maintaining close relationships is sustaining and deepening mutual, personal self-disclosure.
When thinking of where to have your date; make sure the date location is not in the same physical space as you or your partner’s work from home space. The location can be fun and creative or as simple as spending 10 minutes together on the front porch. The only rule is the focus of the date completely on listening to your partner’s responses to the questions and not on the long lists of things each of you have to do. Start with just asking one of the 36 questions. You can ask each other the same question each day or you can mix it up a bit and pick a different question. You may find it will be more fun and spontaneous to ask different questions so you both have the opportunity to be equally spontaneous. The questions are divided into three sets. It works best if you work your way through the question sets in order, even though you may decide to ask each other different questions from within each set. Get ready and make your first date!
Below are the questions referred to in the Blog. Please feel free to print the PDF and take it with you on your first date. Happy dating.
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love, and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ... "
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Claudia Nell Hawley, Apprentice is an unlicensed psychotherapist pursuing a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. Working alongside clients in her former career as a realtor instilled in Claudia a deep empathy, and a sincere desire to serve couples, families and individuals in the journey through depression, anxiety, and fear to healing, connection, and self-worth. Claudia spends her free time cooking for friends, capturing the beauty of Colorado with her camera, and reading.
You may be someone who goes all out of Valentine’s Day for your partner by making them feel special in whatever way you can. For others Valentine’s Day may bring up feelings of sadness, anger, or loneliness. Valentine’s Day may be another reminder of unmet needs and let down expectations of their hopes and future as a couple. This feeling can be really difficult to face and most days it may be easier to put on a good face and push down your longings and desires for intimacy, closeness, and living out your dreams with you partner. Acknowledging these distant gaps can leave you feeling discouraged, guilty, or even shame.
Brene Brown’s definition of shame was developed by her decade of research on shame and connection. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (Brown, 2012, p. 69). This feeling of shame can take many different forms to help protect us from our own vulnerability -- perfectionism, addiction, anger and criticalness. When we ignore or suppress our need for connection, we are literally suppressing a primal human need.
Since the early 1900s, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s research revealed from their studies of infants at orphanages and hospital institutions that attachment is a necessity for infants’ survival (Bretherton, 1992). There has been a recent breakthrough in attachment research that has revealed that belonging and connection are just as primal of needs for adults as they are for babies. This survival need is met for adults in long-term significant relationships that create a sense of safety, meaning, and intimate connection. This might be with a close long-term friend or family member, or with your partner or significant other. If you feel that you and your partner have lost that sense of safety and connection in your relationship, that does not have to mean that it is over. Many couples get caught in what Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, calls a negative cycle. She describes a couples negative cycle as a dance that has changed from music that was once beautiful and effortless to something painful and difficult.
A common dance couples get into is when one partner will get very angry and upset when they feel their needs are not being met and the other one shrinks away and disengages either emotionally or physically. Often anger or withdrawal are what each partner in the relationship experiences, however, there is a deeper level of interaction happening where both are really seeking to connect. Oftentimes, these surface reactions of anger and withdrawal were learned in childhood or in another significant relationship that wounded them as a mechanism to help them survive when they feel their primal need of love and belonging being threatened.
If you and your partner feel like you are stuck in a negative dance with one another, know that what each of you may be experiencing is probably not the full story. Underneath every negative reaction to conflict, there is the need that each of you have to connect and belong. Dr. Sue Johnson has designed a method of couples therapy called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help couples begin to realize their negative cycle. She also has written the book “Hold Me Tight” to help couples begin to unpack the layers of their relationship to help them make disconnection the enemy and not one another and find their way back to connection and intimacy. If you would like help with your relationship, please feel free to reach out to one of our therapists. Amy McCann is one of our couples therapists and she is certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Please feel free to reach out today for a free intake today and know that there is hope to find a way back to love and belonging.
Sources
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.
Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
American Psychological Association, 28, 5, 759-775.
Amy McCann, RP, Apprentice, is earning her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. She is open to seeing many types of clients of all age ranges. She is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and desires to help couples strengthen their relationship. Amy earned her Bachelor of Science in Exercise and Movement Science from the University of Vermont, and desires to help her clients in a holistic way. She is passionate about people finding true freedom and healing in every area of life. Amy also has rich cultural experiences with living overseas and enjoys cross-cultural work with clients. Amy is originally from Boston, but loves living in Colorado with her husband. They enjoy hiking, fly fishing, playing games with friends, and eating ice cream.
