When we are unfamiliar with something, we make up in our heads what it will be like, and we are not always the kindest when painting these pictures. Calling a crisis line sounds scary, and walking into a center to talk to someone about suicide sounds scary. Lisa shares a realistic picture of what the process is like for accessing mental health crisis services to lessen those fears.
Graduation Interview
We are so pleased to announce that Megan Steedman, MA and Brittany Duncan, MA will be continuing their clinical career with us after graduating in May 2020. We sat down (virtually) to interview these new grads so that you all could get a closer look at who they are as clinicians and the amazing people they are.
Megan Steedman, MA
Khesed Interviewer:
What draws you to work with clients?
Megan:
I feel drawn to work with clients because I believe in the power of connection. I think in a safe relationship, people's experiences of pain and their developed patterns that follow can be explored. It's beautiful to be able to provide people one realm of safety to deeply explore themselves. I feel drawn to the deep healing that can happen in therapy.
Khesed Interviewer:
How does kindness play out in therapy?
Megan:
One way kindness plays out in therapy is by bringing my full self-- my experiences, my personality, and my strengths-- generously to therapy. Showing up whole heartedly allows for deep connection, deep belief in my clients, and deep space for clients to explore themselves. I think having unwavering belief in therapy, amidst challenging days and weeks, is a kind way to approach my work. Having confidence in humanity's ability to heal, though it is oftentimes slow and painful, allows me to continue to show up. It's kind to keep showing up.
Khesed Interviewer:
When clients come into your office what can they expect?
Megan:
Clients can expect to experience a human-- someone with their own story and passion for healing. They can expect for my passion to intersect with my clients. They can expect to feel known for me to want to encourage them to explore themselves. I hope my clients feel a sense of belief in me-- belief in the therapeutic process and belief in my clients to further live into themselves and into health.
Khesed Interviewer:
If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go and why?
Megan:
I would want to fly into southern France and rent a car to drive through the Alps, seeing Switzerland, Italy, and Austria in the summertime. I would want to stop in little towns, go camping, appreciate nature, and get to see and experience a variety of different cultures. Something about the grandness of the Alps feels exciting to me-- I would love to see them up close.
Brittany Duncan, MA
Khesed Interviewer:
What draws you to work with clients?
Brittany:
Throughout my life I always knew that I wanted to work in a role that was both personal and relational. I have continuously felt a deep compassion and desire to understand those around me and assist them in feeling valued because I believe every story is unique and worth telling. To be able to hear the narrative of my client’s lives is an honor that I cherish. Not only is witnessing one’s story a privilege but getting to walk alongside my clients through moments of struggle and joy is an incredible opportunity. I believe the power of relationship has the potential to stretch, grow, and heal each and every one of us.
Khesed Interviewer:
What are the most important qualities that you feel a therapist should have?
Brittany:
Three that come to my mind are authenticity, acceptance, and empathy. I believe in the transformative opportunity provided by a therapeutic relationship. A relationship is healthiest and most beneficial when both parties are their true, authentic selves. Modeling authenticity for clients encourages them to live out congruence in their own life and within relationships. However, acceptance of one’s true self is necessary for therapy to be effective. It takes an incredible amount of vulnerability to show the tender parts of our self. If these parts are not warmly embraced and acknowledged our growth is inhibited. Lastly, empathy provides space for clients, which communicates worth and belonging. As client vulnerably expose themselves, they need to not only be accepted, but reminded of their worth and value.
Khesed Interviewer:
When clients come into your office what can they expect?
Brittany:
When clients come into my office they can expect to be warmly accepted without fear of judgement. My priority is to understand, empathize, and assist them in working towards who they want to be. I am honest and at times direct, but always with an undertone of compassion. Often, we can feel alone in our pain. Others are either unable or unwilling to understand. I aim to provide an opportunity where my clients can feel support and encouragement, while simultaneously getting permission to feel their pain and take up space. I will not rush my client towards growth or tell them how to get there. I believe that my clients are the experts of their own life and that each individual grows at their own speed and pace. Most of all, I will be there to hold hope for my clients even in the moments they feel utmost despair. I hold hope because each and every person that walks into my counseling office is worthy of love and capable of growth.
Khesed Interviewer:
If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go and why?
Brittany:
Traveling is one of my greatest passions and experiences abroad hold some of my fondest memories. Exploring new cultures has been incredibly stretching during my development in understanding myself and expanding my empathy for others. If I could travel anywhere in the world, I would choose Norway. Norway is known for their amazing fjords. These natural waterways formed by glaciers are immense and beautiful. To be given the opportunity to experience such a sight is something I have been hoping to see for quite some time.
About Megan & Brittany:
Megan Steedman (sher/her), MA holds a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Denver Seminary. Megan has experience working with children and adolescents, is passionate about helping young adults pursue a holistic sense of wellness, and is committed to engaging her clients with compassion and attentiveness. Megan spends her free time hiking, skiing, and exploring Denver—she loves bringing a good book or friend along to check out the newest coffee or ice cream shop.
Brittany Duncan (she/her), MA, LPCC has her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She enjoys working with clients navigating relational grief or dissatisfaction, transitional difficulties, attachment, trauma, and identity formation. Through a holistic and integrative approach, Brittany assists clients in exploring their innermost needs and patterns of relating in order to break the cycles they feel stuck in.
Holiday Eating, Part 2
The holidays can bring about so much! Tricky family dynamics, isolation, aging family members, youthful family members, the potential absence of a bereaved loved one, the possible addition of an important loved one, traditions, “shoulds, ” relationships of all kinds. They’re all here, harnessing the power to completely exhaust our mental, physical, and emotional stamina if we are not aware of the toll the holidays can take on us. But how do we know what that toll is? How do we prepare in a way that allows us to remain present and conscious of our pause? And how do we respond when things may not go exactly as planned?
For many, we turn to food. Food is the ultimate connector. It connects us to each other, to our needs, and to ourselves. It, and our relationship with it, can communicate for us if we don’t have the words or are feeling unsafe to express ourselves. It can calm, pacify, provide companionship, decrease anxiety, befriend us, provide safety and comfort, offer unconditional acceptance, provide a social lubricant for uncomfortable conversations, etc. Food can meet us where we are at, and when we see food this way, it becomes a way of expressing our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It fills our needs, often times without any words at all. At a time of the year when food is almost everywhere you turn and emotions tend to run high, disordered eating can make an appearance.
Those with disordered eating patterns find themselves here. In between worlds of safe and accepted self-expression and fear of judgmental relational interactions in some way creating or furthering past pain. This fine line is come by honestly, always touting a reason based on a lived experience. Those with disordered eating patterns approach this line daily. But how do you know when it begins to cross the line into a diagnosable eating disorder? That conversation must be carefully and sensitively navigated with a trusted health care provider, yet in the meantime, here is some food for thought. Pun intended.
Eating disorders can manifest themselves in many ways, and each has its own unique set of symptoms, medical complications, and potentially fatal repercussions. They are very serious illnesses, and require medical, psychiatric, and therapeutic care in order to heal. Listed below are some questions to ask yourself if you are wondering where you may land amongst that fine line.
-Do I find myself eating significantly large quantities of food in a short span of time?
-Do I find myself eating alone or in secret?
-Do I eat past the point of being full regularly?
-Can I tell when I am full?
-Do I find myself eating the majority of my daily intake after 4 pm?
-Do I struggle with my self-esteem? Find myself struggling to say no?
-Do I struggle to stop eating?
-Do I feel out of control when I eat, often followed by shame and guilt?
-Do I feel numb after eating a large amount? Like my problems have momentarily dissipated?
If you can answer yes to these patterns of behavior occurring weekly for at least three months, you may wish to explore a binge eating pattern with a trusted health care provider for further assessment.
-Do I think about my appearance and my body often? Does my opinion of my body impact the way I see myself and interact with others?
-Do I struggle to share my thoughts and feelings openly?
-Do I find myself eating alone or in secret?
-Do I eat past the point of being full regularly?
-Can I tell when I am full?
-Do I struggle with my self-esteem? Find myself struggling to say no?
-Do I struggle to stop eating?
-Do I feel out of control when I eat, often followed by shame and guilt?
-Do I feel numb after eating a large amount? Like my problems have momentarily dissipated?
-Do I feel a need to compensate for the amount eaten after a binge to avoid weight gain by engaging in self-induced vomiting, laxative use, diuretic use, or overexercise?
If you can answer yes to these patterns of behavior occurring weekly for at least three months, you may wish to explore a binge-purge eating pattern with a trusted health care provider for further assessment.
-Do I spend a lot of time reflecting on the appearance of my body? Does my opinion of my body impact the way I see myself and interact with others?
-Am I scared of gaining weight?
-Have I recently lost a significant amount of weight?
-Do I eat significantly less than others or not at all?
-Do I spend a large portion of my time exercising?
-Do others make comments on how much time I spend working out?
-Do I feel that I take up too much space in the world, despite others telling me otherwise?
-Do I feel more in control of my life when I restrict my food intake?
-Do I feel badly about myself if I cannot do something perfectly?
-Is my hair thinning? Am I fatigued often? If I identify as female, has my menses been delayed or absent?
If you can answer yes to these patterns of behavior occurring weekly for at least three months, you may wish to explore a restrictive eating pattern with a trusted health care provider for further assessment.
If you identify with any of the above patterns of behavior, but experience them less frequently than weekly, you may wish to explore a disordered eating pattern with a trusted health care provider. All patterns of disordered eating are destructive, complex, and very real, no matter which category you may identify with most.
This holiday season, no matter where you find yourself, please know that you are not alone. Should you identify with any of these descriptions above, there is hope! Treatment is available, and our wholeness remains. Food is but a symptom of our emotional health. The more we can learn to speak the language of our own emotions, the less we will need food, or our relationship to it, to do it for us. Take heart, there is much healing to be had. May we all find spaces to visit our pauses throughout the season. You are oh so worth it.
About the Author:
Alisha Bashaw (she/her), MA, LPC, LAC is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addiction Counselor in the state of Colorado. She also serves as Khesed’s DNA Manager. Alisha has worked extensively in the treatment of eating disorders and addiction. She is passionate about helping people authentically live the lives they desire, holding space for mystery and wonder as each person's journey unfolds, and integrating mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health into a holistic wellness based-approach.
Holiday Eating, Part 1
We’ve all been there. You know the moment. That slight hesitation where your hand hovers atop whatever delicious holiday treat has suddenly appeared from, well, who actually knows where, before you pop it in your mouth. That split second where you realize you can’t remember the last meal you had that didn’t include a holiday goodie of some kind. That moment that brings the thoughts “I’ve already messed up today, I might as well have one more” followed closely by “I will start over again tomorrow.” Ahh, the holidays. The season of sugar and spice and all things nice, right?
Perhaps? Or perhaps not. Perhaps the biggest gift the holidays bring is the vast array of emotions that swirl through each of our daily experiences. For some, joy and wonder fill their minds while for others sadness and heartache are more present. And for most, it is a mixture of all of the above and everything in between. For those who struggle with disordered eating, the holidays can bring an extra layer of difficult right alongside their Pumpkin Pie and Eggnog, cleverly disguised in all of that cheer.
Have you ever struggled with your eating patterns around the holidays? Have you fallen into the menacing thought loop of diet culture that perpetuates hanging your worth on what you put into your mouth and how hope lies in “starting again” tomorrow? If so, you are most definitely not alone. And, you definitely need not start anything over again tomorrow. Starting over implies that today is not enough. That today is somehow “wasted.” And you, friend, deserve more. Nothing has been wasted, nothing is lost, and in fact, the problem itself has nothing to do with food.
For those who struggle with any sort of disordered eating pattern, I invite you to leave your current thought loops or plans regarding how to eat/not eat certain items for just a moment, and to meet me elsewhere. Somewhere less full of racing thoughts, to-dos, good foods and bad foods, future plans, overwhelming emotions, and judgements on, well, just about everything we think and say and do. Close your eyes for just a moment, and focus on what you can hear. Traffic? A ceiling fan? A family pet? Faint music? The voice of someone you love? Whatever it is, congratulations. You have successfully exited your thought loop for just a moment and entered “the pause.”
Disordered eating can keep us in a surface-layer cycle of self-management thought loops based on following sets of self-created rules, negotiating actions based on our daily intake of calories, evaluating our self-worth based on our daily completion of tasks or set of arbitrary numbers, and spiraling deeper and deeper into our shame stories should we land anywhere outside of perfection. Disordered eating can keep us busy, tired, and completely disconnected from our physical and emotional experiences. Especially around the holidays. So often food is used to express needs or feelings, and without space to explore either of those things, the thought loops continue.
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give to ourselves this year is the gift of “the pause.” A pause that allows us a moment to clarify how we are feeling before engaging with others, before we engage with food. A pause that allows our full authenticity to be present, and our needs to be known. A pause that allows us to recognize our thought loops as we enter our days.
With the pause comes awareness. It is not until we are outside of our patterned thought loops that we can begin to recognize their voices, their judgments and their attitudes from a slightly more distanced perspective. It is only then when we are able to see them for exactly what they are. Thoughts, not facts.
This holiday season, I invite you into a deeper experience. Into your emotions, into your body, and into your full experience. But mostly, into your pause.
*Curious how certain patterns of disordered eating manifest themselves? Wondering about some warning signs of patterns of disordered eating, and what qualifies a pattern as “disordered?” Then stay tuned for next month’s continuation of this discussion with more specifics. Can’t wait a month? Call Khesed Wellness today to get connected with a therapist that can help. In the meantime, pause onward.
About the Author:
Alisha Bashaw (she/her), MA, LPC, LAC is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addiction Counselor in the state of Colorado. She also serves as Khesed’s DNA Manager. Alisha has worked extensively in the treatment of eating disorders and addiction. She is passionate about helping people authentically live the lives they desire, holding space for mystery and wonder as each person's journey unfolds, and integrating mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health into a holistic wellness based-approach.
Future Planning for High School Students
Which high school student do you relate to more:
A student who has a ten year plan. Every detail of their life is mapped out from what courses to take in high school to what major to study in college. From there they know exactly which internships to apply for and which company they want to land their first job;
OR
A student who is worried about passing the next quiz tomorrow and is struggling to think past this first semester. They’re not sure about what to pursue since school is hard but they know that college is something they want to do after high school?
Although these two stories are extremely different, there’s a likelihood that many of you resonate with these stories, and perhaps, are a mix of both. I went into high school determined to become a primary care pediatrician. I had my courses mapped out and a detailed plan of how to be on the best track to medical school. Somewhere along the way, plans changed and I ended up with a second, and different, bachelor’s from a different college. Now, I’m completing my master’s in an unrelated field at a third school.
As someone who has worked closely with students for over 15 years, a common struggle they encounter is life pursuits. With student loans at an all time high along with college students switching, on average, majors at least once, preparing and trying to discover their talents and directions future plans becomes more precious and necessary.
Whether you are a student or know a student, engaging in discussions about what the future may look like and allowing room for dreaming is important. So, I leave you with this, when you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How does that dream compare to where you are now and the path you’re on?
Stay tuned for exciting news on how Khesed hopes to help students in their journey of future dreaming and planning.
About the Author:
Alex Song, RP, Apprentice, is pursuing an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. Alex is passionate about helping people become their most authentic and true selves. She loves helping people navigate their life pursuits, identity formation, and career aspirations. She feels honored to walk alongside clients as they share their story with her, inviting her into that sacred space. She desires her clients to live life purposefully and well through evaluating their physical, spiritual, mental, social, and emotional health. As clients navigate meaning making, she works with clients to equip them with the tools to live their best life. Alex desires to connect with the Asian population to help them advocate for their voices as they pursue what wellness looks like. Alex is a Colorado native and enjoys exploring new coffee spots, watching movies, and catching up with friends.
Is Valentine's Day For You?
You may be someone who goes all out of Valentine’s Day for your partner by making them feel special in whatever way you can. For others Valentine’s Day may bring up feelings of sadness, anger, or loneliness. Valentine’s Day may be another reminder of unmet needs and let down expectations of their hopes and future as a couple. This feeling can be really difficult to face and most days it may be easier to put on a good face and push down your longings and desires for intimacy, closeness, and living out your dreams with you partner. Acknowledging these distant gaps can leave you feeling discouraged, guilty, or even shame.
Brene Brown’s definition of shame was developed by her decade of research on shame and connection. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (Brown, 2012, p. 69). This feeling of shame can take many different forms to help protect us from our own vulnerability -- perfectionism, addiction, anger and criticalness. When we ignore or suppress our need for connection, we are literally suppressing a primal human need.
Since the early 1900s, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s research revealed from their studies of infants at orphanages and hospital institutions that attachment is a necessity for infants’ survival (Bretherton, 1992). There has been a recent breakthrough in attachment research that has revealed that belonging and connection are just as primal of needs for adults as they are for babies. This survival need is met for adults in long-term significant relationships that create a sense of safety, meaning, and intimate connection. This might be with a close long-term friend or family member, or with your partner or significant other. If you feel that you and your partner have lost that sense of safety and connection in your relationship, that does not have to mean that it is over. Many couples get caught in what Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, calls a negative cycle. She describes a couples negative cycle as a dance that has changed from music that was once beautiful and effortless to something painful and difficult.
A common dance couples get into is when one partner will get very angry and upset when they feel their needs are not being met and the other one shrinks away and disengages either emotionally or physically. Often anger or withdrawal are what each partner in the relationship experiences, however, there is a deeper level of interaction happening where both are really seeking to connect. Oftentimes, these surface reactions of anger and withdrawal were learned in childhood or in another significant relationship that wounded them as a mechanism to help them survive when they feel their primal need of love and belonging being threatened.
If you and your partner feel like you are stuck in a negative dance with one another, know that what each of you may be experiencing is probably not the full story. Underneath every negative reaction to conflict, there is the need that each of you have to connect and belong. Dr. Sue Johnson has designed a method of couples therapy called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help couples begin to realize their negative cycle. She also has written the book “Hold Me Tight” to help couples begin to unpack the layers of their relationship to help them make disconnection the enemy and not one another and find their way back to connection and intimacy. If you would like help with your relationship, please feel free to reach out to one of our therapists. Amy McCann is one of our couples therapists and she is certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Please feel free to reach out today for a free intake today and know that there is hope to find a way back to love and belonging.
Sources
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.
Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
American Psychological Association, 28, 5, 759-775.
About the Author:
Amy McCann, RP, Apprentice, is earning her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. She is open to seeing many types of clients of all age ranges. She is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and desires to help couples strengthen their relationship. Amy earned her Bachelor of Science in Exercise and Movement Science from the University of Vermont, and desires to help her clients in a holistic way. She is passionate about people finding true freedom and healing in every area of life. Amy also has rich cultural experiences with living overseas and enjoys cross-cultural work with clients. Amy is originally from Boston, but loves living in Colorado with her husband. They enjoy hiking, fly fishing, playing games with friends, and eating ice cream.
In Defense Of Boring Sex
The beginning of February is upon us, and with the start of the new month, businesses and advertisers have lost no time in reminding us that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Originating from stories of martyrdom and religious feast days, Valentine’s Day (or “Singles Awareness Day” to many of us who view it less favorably) has developed into an annual celebration of love and romance, commemorated with the exchange of cards, flowers, and chocolate. Every year, romantic partners flock to various date locations to express their affection for one another, and the world is momentarily adorned in various shades of red and pink. I, however, want to talk for a moment about what happens after the dinners, and the couple’s massages, and the flowers and chocolate. For where there are demonstrations of romance, sex is usually not far behind.
Working with sexuality in a clinical capacity, I often hear stories of sexual thrill-seeking and the search for partners who inspire electricity, chemistry, and passion. These stories are appropriate and understandable; sex can be fun, exciting, and passionate, and in a lot of ways, many of our sociological influences orient us, in one or another, toward the pursuit of really great sex. Media outlets display quests for sexual fulfillment, industries thrive on the marketing toward “spicing up” sex lives, and even religions that teach abstinence before marriage often do so with the promise of “mind-blowing” intercourse post-wedlock. While sex can be mind-blowing, spicy, and fulfilling some of the time, however, it can also be complicated, awkward, routine, and quite frankly, unremarkable at others.
Now, I am not a person you will ever hear demonize partners’ attempts to keep things interesting. Quite the opposite, in fact. If everyone’s full, non-pressured consent is involved and nobody is in danger, have at it. I would say, however, that those experiences are only ever part of a sexual relationship. Sex is sometimes boring, especially if you’re having it with the same person over a long period of time, and especially if you’re having it with only that person. Sometimes it’s a little lackluster rather than mind-blowing, and sometimes in the pursuit of really great sex, you wind up having really mediocre, ordinary sex, instead.
That being said, I would propose for your consideration, dear reader, that in every sexual relationship, there is a place for mediocre, ordinary sex, too; that boring sex can, in and of itself, still be really great sex. Author Lauren F. Winner suggests that many of the elements that can be
“important about sex {are} nurtured when we allow sex to be ordinary… Sex needs to be clumsy. It should at times feel awkward. It should be an act we engage in for comfort. It should also be allowed to hold any number of anxieties – the sorts of anxieties, for instance, we might feel about our child’s progress in school, or our ability to provide sustenance for our family. Sex becomes another way for two people to realistically engage the strengths and foibles of each other… If we allow sex to be ordinary, we might better understand that human love is forged in, say, time spent cooking together, or in picking up our loved one’s laundry, or in calming our children’s fears. Through sexual practice, we come to find each other fallible, and we come to love each other for the way we see each other creating very human lives out of those very fallibilities.”*
As we approach a holiday that commemorates romantic love, it seems important to also acknowledge the atmosphere in which this type of longstanding love grows. If you are cultivating a committed, long-term relationship with your partner, it is likely built upon a foundation of shared experiences that are fairly mundane, and the relational components that must be nurtured for a lasting, successful relationship are often the very same components that strip away some of the thrill. The type of intimacy that truly sees and knows another person in all of their beauty and flaw usually develops through the unsexy day-to-day moments of paying bills, getting groceries, and doing the dishes. Developing a secure attachment to a partner means less of the titillating, risky, and anxiety-producing energy that gathers around the uncertainty if they will call you again or not, if they’ll become “clingy” afterward, or if you’ll still like them once you know the history of mental illness in their family and in which direction they replace the toilet paper roll. The more openly and effectively you communicate with your partner, moreover, the less racy cultural taboo and unspoken sexual tension sex and sexuality will carry in your relationship.
Like much else in our Western world, sex has not remained untouched by our culture of consumerism. Many of us are fortunate enough to have the option of seeking personal fulfillment, new experiences, and low investment entertainment, and there is always a wide array of option for us to do so. We purchase items that provide a variety of personal benefits, and if an upgrade comes along, we can trade in the familiar version for something new and innovative. Relationships, however, often require a different mindset of us. Relationships demand more giveback, malfunction, familiarity, and repair, and in the midst of our cultural pursuit of ease and comfort, push us into difficult and uncomfortable spaces. When sex becomes about more than infatuation, consumption, and intensity, some of the thrill and passion gives way to make space for deeper connection, comfort, and intimacy.
In the same way that we don’t linger over courses or experiment with new, exotic recipes for every meal, our sexual appetites are sometimes best fulfilled with the comforting, the plain, or the on the go. Sometimes we simply need the connective sustenance to keep our relationship healthy and strong. So, if you are planning an elaborate dinner and spicing things up this Valentine’s day, linger and enjoy. If it fits better for your relationship right now to order takeout, watch Netflix, have vanilla sex, and go to bed early, then celebrate the work you’ve put into your relationship that’s allowed your sex to get occasionally vanilla in the first place. If you’ve taken the time and put in the effort to cultivate a deep intimacy, communication, and comfort, you may just find that your boring sex is the best you’ve ever had.
*Lauren F. Winner, Real Sex: the Naked Truth about Chastity (Grand Rapids, Brazos Press, 2005), 81-82.
About the Author:
Zach Verwey, MA, LPC, NCC holds a Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from a CACREP accredited program and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Colorado. In his clinical practice, Zach has worked extensively with LGBTQ+ concerns, eating disorders, holistic sexual health, values and identity, and grief and loss, and he is Prepare/Enrich certified in working with couples. He is especially passionate about addressing the ways in which body image difficulties impact the LGBTQ+ community and regularly works with clients and provides education through writing and public speaking on this topic. Zach believes deeply in the power of interpersonal and intrapersonal relationship work in the therapeutic process, and offers a holistic and integrative approach that honors the mind, body, and spirit. In his spare time, Zach enjoys reading the memoirs of comedians who also happen to be women, experimenting with new bread recipes, and exploring Denver’s latest hot spots with a friend or two.
Navigating Your Relationship With Food
There are so many components that help us to regulate our minds, bodies, and emotions. Attachment theory says that from cradle to grave the primary need of every human being is human connection. Beginning in early childhood, our attachment styles begin to develop based oftentimes off of our family’s attachment style.In the clinical world, counselors refer to there being four primary styles of attachment, which are anxious or ambivalent, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. When our need for human connection is not met in a way to provide a safe haven to come to when we feel emotionally vulnerable or a safe base to venture out into the world, we grasp for substitutes that will fill the void of that painful feeling of disconnection and fear.
Food can become this safe haven for many people since it is comforting, predictable, and oftentimes it will always there when you need it. These are the same qualities that we long for with the closest people in our lives. After time, however, it becomes evident to most people that food is not meeting their need for connection. This is one of the central themes that will be uncovered in the group that I will be running called Navigating Your Relationship with Food.
This October, I will be running a group for women from the ages of 20 to 40 years old who desire to find more freedom in their relationship with their food. There are many components that influence one’s relationship and patterns of eating such as self-esteem, body image, relationships, family history, and life circumstances. My hope is that this group provides a safe place for women to come and sort through what factors are complicating their relationship with food, themselves, and their relationships with others.
If you have had a diagnosable eating disorder in the past you are welcome; if you have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder you are welcome. The focus of this group is not how to heal from a diagnosable eating disorder, per se. It is rather to help you untangle the web of emotions and cognitions behind food and addressing those aspects rather than the eating itself. My hope is that women are able to find sustainable methods of connecting with themselves, with others, and with food and break out of the maladaptive patterns that have been formed. The tone of this group is welcoming, understanding, compassionate, and empathetic because has unhealthy habits and beliefs that they develop to help them cope and survive. By the end of this group, I hope that you are no longer surviving in your relationship with food, but rather thriving!
About the Author:
Amy McCann, RP, Apprentice, is earning her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. She is open to seeing many types of clients of all age ranges. She is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and desires to help couples strengthen their relationship. Amy earned her Bachelor of Science in Exercise and Movement Science from the University of Vermont, and desires to help her clients in a holistic way. She is passionate about people finding true freedom and healing in every area of life. Amy also has rich cultural experiences with living overseas and enjoys cross-cultural work with clients. Amy is originally from Boston, but loves living in Colorado with her husband. They enjoy hiking, fly fishing, playing games with friends, and eating ice cream.
Kindness and Potential Work Together
Reciprocating Kindness Part 1: Why?
Context first and then we will talk principle.
First, I intentionally chose one of the most guttural-and-difficult-to-pronounce-in-English words for the name of this organization for a reason. The word is that important. In fact, it was that important to the Ancient Hebrews where this word originated.
Khesed means loving kindness. To better capture the translation, it can mean reciprocating kindness. Khesed isn’t just a good feeling of loving kindness, it’s a lifestyle. Kindness is a generous quality, and when we get it, we want more. We also seem to want to produce more.
Growing up in Southern California I spent my childhood along shorelines. I love laying on my stomach just where the water last licks the sand and rushes back into the deep. If you lay still enough, long enough, with your belly on the sand and your chin laying on your hands, you start to see a whole world unfold. It’s amazing how that happens when we slow down.
Then, if you let your eyes dance a bit in-and-out of focus, like we do in those rare moments of rest, you start to see glimmers. The sand suddenly has layers of color and texture. Then, you see the gold flecks dancing among the rest of the bland-colored bits of sand.
Reciprocating kindness is like the specks of gold in the sand of our lives.
My love for watching the ocean quickly grew toward my love for watching people, and soon, talking with people as they wade through their depths. The therapy room felt as sacred as the layers of sand beneath my bare feet, watching the water dancing back-and-forth with the deep blue.
Kindness is what allows the gold of therapy to shine. The kindness of safe space to process. Space where the only motivation for the therapist is the client’s well-being. Space to be fully human.
At it’s best, the therapy room is one of the kindest places on Earth. I don’t mean kindness that always feels good. I mean kindness that calls forth the client’s well-being; holding space for the twists and turns of the process.
Which is why it felt like such a whiplash every time I stepped out of the therapy room, and entered the chaotic nature of the mental health industry. It took about a week after grad school, immersing myself in this profession, to realize:
Most people can’t afford counseling.
Most people don’t get help for weeks because clinicians are overloaded and underpaid.
Most people don’t have sufficient insurance coverage for treatment.
Most people don’t know where to access help.
Most people can’t find a counselor that stays in the industry for long.
Most people aren’t able to find much help at all.
That feels drab doesn’t it? It frustrating, ridiculous, even unkind.
Kindness is “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate,” according to Google. The mental health industry doesn’t feel very friendly, generous, or considerate. Which makes me sad, because I think this industry is filled with generous therapists ready to help.
So I began asking myself, “How does kindness start?”
It starts with believing in generosity. There is an abundance of kindness waiting to pour from us and sprout across our world. Abundance is an oasis that feels like a mirage to most people.
Imagine that time you needed help and someone said call this person they can help. And then you called that person and they said, “I can see you tomorrow.” And you found a way to make it work with your schedule, maybe reached between your seats to find cash for payment, if it was involved, because you were that thirsty for help.
Then you met that person and there was something about their presence that drew you in. Help didn’t turn out to be what you thought, you didn’t feel fixed, but you felt drawn in. They were present with you, believed in you beyond your performance, they saw you. They drew you in and they made you want to spread what you got in that space. You felt as if you found treasure.
The ocean, the therapy room, this kind of story and many more like it, led me to dream:
What if everyone has an abundance of kindness waiting to be tapped, wanting to help those who feel tapped out?
What if a mental health and wellness center’s mission was to provide affordable and accessible care, because the lack of affordable and accessible care feels most unkind when in the depths of life?
What if mental health and wellness practitioners were given a place to thrive in an environment that felt kind in-and-out of the therapy room?
What if businesses, temples, churches, and organizations (who have plenty of unused space) had a way to use space as a mental health and wellness center, making a tangible social impact in their community?
Basically, I kept layering kindness until it was a sustainable business model.
As I considered the different parts of a business model—how to keep the lights on, how to create a healthy work culture, how to engage our clientele, how to be a life-giving addition to a burnout industry—all of it, I knew it needed to be kind from beginning to end.
It’s amazing how an abstract word from an ancient tribe can transcend into a Colorado nonprofit believing that reciprocating kindness can transform mental health and wellness in our nation. And I believe we will.
A couple of weeks ago our team took a one day retreat. I talked with our counselors about creating an ethos of kindness in our organization. I think most assume their workplace will be kind but few experience it. Choosing a business model of kindness is actually terrifying and the hardest kind of work. Why?
It requires our whole selves to show up and believe in kindness, everyday.
In a world that leans on frameworks, forecasts, and fears, we choose kindness. In the unknown, we choose kindness. In the hurt, we choose to respond in a way that creates more authentic kindness.
In an industry that doesn’t feel kind, we believe kindness will change its’ trajectory. Above all, kindness is what brings us together when we feel divided in our relationships, in our world, and even within ourselves.
Everything Khesed does has the goal of manifesting more kindness in our world. It gives light to fractures. Or as my dear friend Kristin, who also happens to be on our board, quoted to me this week from the great Leonard Cohen:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
Kindness reminds us of light in our darkness.
Khesed Wellness exists because we believe in a lifestyle of spreading kindness. It’s the only way I know how to see light in such a dark world. I believe people are always drawn to light, even when they’re running from it.
Khesed exists because we believe that experiencing kindness can transform how we see the world, and even ourselves, especially as we ebb-and-flow with life.
That’s why.
Heather Nelson, MA, LPC, NCC